


It's the Most Awkward Time of the Year

by reylomami



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: 10/10sion, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, Ben forgets to tell Leia about his ended relationship, Character Study, Christmas Dinner, Dirty Laundry on the Dinner Table lol, Established Relationship, F/M, Family Fluff, Fluff, INSECURE perfectionist rey, MAKE UP!!!, NSFW With Plot, Post-Break Up, What happens when your family is attached, all rey wants for christmas is ben's dick we all already know, can't turn Leia down because you will see, did I say MakE UP Sex, graciousness is attractiveness, hell yeah, inadequate boyfriend ben, intrusive relatives, last chapter nsfw, relationship dynamics, secret lovin, so Rey still receives his mother's annual invite, that's what we're here for!!!, the horror
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-06
Updated: 2018-12-13
Packaged: 2019-09-13 01:51:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16883355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reylomami/pseuds/reylomami
Summary: The break up had been an ugly one. But not as ugly as the 4-month radio silence that followed immediately after. That is, until Rey receives Leia’s annual Christmas invite. Rey confronts Ben about it.---Based on the Modern AU Prompt where these two pretend to still be together in front of Ben's overly-attached family. Acting cute and sweet to each other only makes things harder for each of them, as it relives the happier moments of their relationship and questions the dynamics of what went wrong.So now what?(A curated playlist included for the Christmas music enthusiast!)





	1. After 4 Months

**Author's Note:**

> I did a thing.  
> In the spirit of Christmas.
> 
> Quick updates in the following days! 
> 
> CHRISTMAS PLAYLIST INCLUDED BELOW

Rey stares at the familiar brown recycled-paper envelope, sucking in a breath. She tears it open and pulls out Leia’s signature handwritten invite for her Christmas dinner set-up. It was a poster that she had written on, with its cover being a picture of their dog, Chewie, wearing a Santa hat.

This was a mistake.

It had been four months since that ugly break-up; a heated argument that had them throwing the most piercing words at each other at the spur of the moment. Rey forgot who walked out first – but one thing she was sure of was that neither of them had bothered to call or make amends after.

At first she thought a day’s passing would heal a bit of the wound they had seared unto each other. But days turned into weeks, and weeks eventually stretched into four months. Four months is enough of an indicator for any sane person that a relationship has long been ended.

Which baffles Rey then when she looks down at Leia’s annual Christmas invite, a heartfelt written one-liner that speaks volumes of Leia’s devotion to becoming the mother that she deprived Ben of once before.

It had been three Christmas invites and this would be the fourth one she is receiving from Leia. It feels wrong to be a recipient of it. The feeling flares Rey’s anger at her ex-boyfriend who failed to notify his poor mother of the status of their relationship.

Without thinking, she dials in his number out of memory (which she made Finn delete when she was bawling to her best friend after her breakup) and brings it to her ear. Her chipped nails drummed impatiently on the desk. She was not going to drop him a text or email and fuss over the length of time he takes to reply. She needed an immediate answer from him.

When he picks up, she grits her teeth at the long-forgotten familiarity that his deep voice brings her.

“Ben, it’s Rey,” she breathes.

“I know. Caller ID.” She wills herself not to roll her eyes. “What’s wrong?”

 _What’s wrong?_ The audacity he has to ask her that. Four months, she thinks, and now he asks her what’s wrong?  She shakes off the irritation to get straight to the point and finish this cursed phone call as soon as possible.

“Your mother. She sent me her Christmas invite. Did you not tell her?”

There was a long silence that followed. A ruffling --- maybe it was his hair? Was he running his hand through it pensively? As soon as she realised she was forming a mental picture of him, she breathes out onto the speaker once more.

“Ben, are you there?”

“Yeah, yeah – I didn’t realise.”

“Well, you should tell her.”

Another silence followed. This time, Rey picks up on the hesitance that punctures his silence.

“Ben.”

“Rey, listen.” She purses her lips and wills herself to have the patience to hear him out. “I forgot about the invites my mom sends out. Had I remembered, I would’ve told her about, uh, _us_ long before.”

She sighs loudly. “You _forgot_. That’s awfully nice of you.”

“It’s not the best conversation starter, mind you.”

Poe Dameron peeks over Rey’s cubicle and taps visibly on his watch to her. _Get back to work, Niima_. Rey shoots him an OK sign with her hand and sees him walk away before returning to the phone.

“Listen, I just really called to ask you to get the damage control done ASAP ---”

“Rey, my mom’s sick.”

Rey pauses. Her face falling at Ben’s revelation. “Sick?”

“Well, she _was_ sick. She had a cancer scare. She’s alright now, but the doc advised her to stay away from stress-inducing situations as they run more tests. We’ve been trying to keep her mind off stressful things.”

He breathes shakily from the other end of the line. Rey’s face crumples a bit as if she was going to cry. How had she not known this? A lump was threatening to form in her throat so she quickly speaks.

“Was this just recent?”

“Around four or five months ago when she got the scare.” _Goddammit_.

Rey nods and thinks of her own solution. She cannot make Ben bring such ugly news to Leia. Especially since the old woman had been very hopeful that Rey was the _real deal_ and was bound to stick around. How devastated she will be when she finds out about what had become of them.

“Alright, listen,” she starts. “I can make an excuse and say I’ve got some work thing at the other side of the country – “

“She’s really expecting you,” Ben presses. He pauses a while to think better about what he is about to say. “When Maz cancelled on her last week, you should have seen how affected she was. Tended to her garden for days ... too deep in her thoughts for my dad and I to reach her.”

“Ben …”

“I know this sounds unfair, as the months of radio silence have been – “

Rey perks up a little at the glimpse of self-awareness he exemplified.

“ – But we’re scared shitless about her health right now and we don’t want to push her luck. Not especially after things got better.”

It sucks to know that Rey had been the one to push Ben to start talking to his parents again. It had started from a stupid desire to have the traditional meet-the-parents dinner. Her incessant asking was finally what got Ben to divulge the details of his strained relationship with his parents to her. From then on she dedicated herself to making him make amends before it was too late.

How so much has changed since then, just by hearing the way he spoke about his mother and the use of the collective ‘we’ to refer to both him and his father.

“Alright,” Rey says, succumbing. “What do you propose?”

“We can just tell her after dinner. A nice reassurance will soften the blow, I’m guessing.”

“Fine.”

Ben sighs in relief from the other end. “Thank you, Rey. I appreciate this. I hope it didn’t get in the way of your own Christmas plans.”

Rey looks down at her chipped nails. The only Christmas plans she had was to have the day to herself. Finn was spending Christmas with the Ticos and she was not so desperate as to ask her co-workers to hang out.

She almost wanted to tell him that he knew the only Christmas plans she ever had was the one with his family.

“Don’t worry about it.”

She hangs up before he could say anything else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #nowplaying
> 
> All Alone on Christmas - Darlene Love


	2. What Do the Lonely Do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the kind comments and the kudos :) I don't mean this lightly when I say that it really spurs the writer on! 
> 
> I've considered delaying chapters so that I could put it all up at once but I feared it might take ages so I'm holding myself accountable with these frequent updates. As you can tell, the chapter count has changed too (a rough gauge of how I'm ending this story. Tags also frequently updated just fyi ;) 
> 
> That also means I'm posting a chapter as soon as I'm done writing it. I will be proofreading them along the way as I post subsequent chapters too and changes will be notified accordingly.
> 
> Playlist below as always if you'd like to listen to them after you reading! This chapter lays out a fair bit for the subsequent chapters! Let me know what you think as I write along the way :)

“This is stupid.”

“It’s not. It’s _respectful_.”

Even with her back turned to Finn, she could see him rolling his eyes at her.

“Finn, I look like I’m trying _too_ hard.”

She eyes the off-white dress she donned on for Leia’s Christmas dinner. It was a halter top dress with complementing frills that gave the illusion of a shapelier body. It was cute, but she did not want to come off as anything as flirty.

“He might think I’m trying to make an impression on him to salvage what we had.”

“Rey, please,” Finn says, clearly getting impatient. “He was the one who said you _had_ to come. If anyone’s trying to salvage anything here, it’s him.”

Rey sighs.

She’s been anxious in the lead up to Christmas day. Finn had given her his suspicions about Ben probably making up Leia’s health issues. He merely said so to appease Rey’s anxiety in a crude way; something to consider pondering over. If his fleeting suspicions were true, then it really was a cheap move by Ben. Rey decided she will confront him about it later.

“Listen, Rose is waiting. But if you need anything tonight, you just call us, okay?”

Finn gives her a concerned but reassuring look. She shakes her head at his offer.

“I’ll be fine,” she says, uncertain about her own words.

Finn was just as convinced as she was for herself. But the thought of having to inconvenience her best friends on Christmas day nauseates her. She’s asked for too much from them before already. The least she could do in return was to pray that Leia’s dinner goes smoothly without any sort of violent meltdown between her and Ben.

“You got your boyfriend’s gift ready?”

“ _Ex_ -boyfriend.”

“Not to his parents though, that’s what you said right?”

Rey ignores the question and answers to the former instead by waving Ben’s neatly wrapped box.

“His gift is here.” A _courtesy_ gift. Not anything else, of course.

“Alright, see you after the weekend then.” Finn gives her a quick one-armed hug, his other arm filled with his duffle bag and Rose’s gift.

He had gotten her a gigantic teddy bear. Rey had laughed and poked fun at him for being cheesy when he first showed it to her. In turn, Finn accused her of being just as disgustingly romantic back when she and Ben were hopelessly enamoured with each other. It had silenced her for the rest of the night.

“Yes. Enjoy yourselves.”

“And you.”

“ _Not_ counting on that, Finn,” she huffs after him.

Finn grins helplessly and finally leaves her in the silence of their shared apartment.

Rey turns to pack her gifts for the Solos in her usual Christmas tote bag. A Christmas bag that she’s been reusing every year to carry her exchange gifts. The reminder of her utter devotion to the Solos’ annual tradition unsettles her. This was the extent to which _his_ family has embedded their influence deep inside her life.

She makes a mental note to dispose of the bag for her own sanity and self-preservation. 

Not soon later, Ben drops her a text to tell her that he’s waiting outside with his car. Her face falls a little at the idea of him not knocking on her door instead. But she realised immediately after that it was better if he did not have to pick her up at her doorstep.

That was for people in relationships.

They were going together strictly as amicable exes, she reminds herself. At least until they step inside his childhood home, by which then they need to act like old times to cushion the blow of their announcement to Leia.

She finishes a few touch-ups to her look and hurries down.

As cliched as it may seem, landing her eyes on his tall, dark figure leaning against his car made her hold her breath. _That motherfucker still had it going_ – his hair falling effortlessly in waves that she cannot emulate, his crossed arms showing a teasing glimpse of his chorded muscles (through his dark navy sweater, mind you), his signature frown that always made her think he was deep in Aristotelian thought.

_Christ._

_This guy_ _and his oozing sex appeal._

Rey grounds herself and focuses on the task at hand for the night. Eventually, his face turns and his gaze lands on her approaching form.

He looks a little stunned, as if he had not expected her at all.

“You got dressed.”

She frowns at him. “What?”

“Your make-up. I didn’t know you’d still put on this much effort,” he clarifies, noting her overall look. She misses the cursory glance he makes down her body.

If it wasn’t for his Armani sweater that he dares to wear so casually, she would have taken offence at his statement.

She takes a breath and shrugs. “It’s for Leia.”

His brows rises momentarily as if in realisation. “Right.” He blinks a little, stringing a response. “Let’s get going then.”

As he rounds the car to get onto the driver’s side, Rey throws in her bag of gifts to the back seat before seating herself next to the driver’s seat.

It feels _too_ natural – like they were getting groceries together. She once thought this was how it would be when they have kids: busying themselves with loading and unloading his car with groceries, baby equipment, school supplies  – that is, _if_ they had even ever gotten to that point.

She resents how domestic she finds the small act of getting comfortable in his car can be. She further resents the overwhelming whiff of his cologne within the car. She wished she had spritzed on more of her own perfume to avoid his.

They don’t speak until they are driving steadily on the highway.

“Before we arrive there,” she starts (as always - she was the initiator of everything in their relationship), “I need to ask you that Leia’s health isn’t some ploy to – “

“– Do you really think that low of me?”

His voice was a low mumble through his lips. Unconfrontational but the veiled counter-accusation was not hard to miss.

He spares a moment to stare her down through the rear view mirror before turning his eyes back on the road. Rey notes the way his jaw clenches a little and she is immediately filled with regret. How had she not noticed the darker, wearier circles under his eyes earlier on? He looks like he had not had a proper rest in a long while.

An ugly feeling stirs in the pit of her stomach.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean - ” She lets her useless apology tumble away.

Silence echoes between them. She can’t bring herself to look away in shame – a self-preservation thing. It’s the first time in four months that she is given the opportunity to be in his presence anyway. She keeps her eyes on his tense form from where she is sits, dissecting his unreadable stoical front. It was not of much use but the view was worth lingering on anyway. 

There was so much to be said between them, but neither wants to tread on shaky waters before they arrive at his childhood home.

Rey takes the safer route instead and asks about his mom. “How was she when she got the scare?”

She thinks that Ben was going to ignore her until she sees his jaw loosen a little.

“Strange,” he answers tersely. “It took a week for us to snap out of the shock.”

“Ben, I didn’t know …”

“Don’t worry about it.” It wasn’t like she would know.

Silence falls once more between them, albeit this time it was a more pensive one.

“I’m not going to ruin the night. We’ll make the effort,” she promises him. He was clearly concerned about how the night will turn out. “And I’ll make sure she takes it well.”

He nods silently. “I appreciate that.”

The third round of silence falls and she wishes he had turned on the stupid radio. She does not want to do it herself. Anything that feels domestic, she will pointedly avoid. The silence will have to do then.

With a swallow, she speaks up very carefully as if she were taunting a sleeping beast, “And you? How’ve you been?”

Ben clearly did not look well in spite of how good he looks. He flashes her a side glance before making a turn to exit the highway.

“Things could be worse.” There was the implicit reference to Leia’s health scare. It was not like breaking up was the end of the world, Rey reminds herself.

Ben’s limited response is enough of a signal for her to let silence fall between again. Perhaps the lesser words they exchange, the more at ease he will become. The air around them has been too tense for either of their liking. The last thing they could do was to show up to Leia’s dinner looking evidently stiff.

“You sure this doesn't get in the way of any plans you had?”

They reach the old, familiar road and Rey sees the ostentatious Christmas decorations that the neighbours have put up.

“No,” she answers him as she peers through the window. “You already know I’ve got no Christmas obligations.”

It was true – she could make plans for herself, but it will not be the same as having an actual dinner or family reunion that she is obliged to attend. Her heart almost sinks at the painful reminder of having nobody. Sure, she had Finn, if not Ben, but that wasn’t the same as having people who are expecting her and desiring her presence.

She spares herself the moment to actually take relief in being made to go to Leia’s dinner in spite of their bizarre situation. The idea of spending Christmas alone with old reruns of _Star Trek_ was depressing. Being surrounded with people who desired her presence – _sans Ben,_ she remembers – is a much better option to settle on.

“Are you sure about this then?” He clarifies. They pull over in front of his old home. “It won’t be weird for you?”

Funny how he asks that right as when they reach their destination.

“Ben, no amount of weirdness will stop me from thinking about your mother’s welfare.”

This assures him for good. He nods in finality and makes to get out of the car.

They walk up to his door step and she notes how his hand hovers over her waist.

It wasn’t performative. It was _instinctual_. He must have realised this before his hand could properly touch her. Old habits die hard perhaps. They always walked up to his childhood door step with their hands around each other - just _because_.

Han opens the door for them upon ringing and Rey’s smile easily comes through at the sight of her favourite old man. Chewie is heard barking enthusiastically from behind.

“ _Leia_! The kids are here!” He turns back to them and reverts to a civil volume. “It’s good to see you, son. Rey.”

Rey watches father and son hug before the senior turns to her and walk her inside. Chewie runs up to them and Rey bends down to greet him.

“The no good for nothing misses you,” Han notes in impression from behind.

Rey busies herself with Chewies’ fervent licks and snuggling. “Aw, it’s always great to be welcomed by you, boy.”

“Ben? _Rey_? Is that you guys?” Leia calls out from the kitchen.

“I’m going to greet Mom first,” Ben says, jerking his thumb over his shoulder.

Rey releases herself from Chewie immediately and reaches out for his bicep. _Pure instinct_ , she chides herself before carefully removing her hand. “I’ll join you.”

Leia looks like she has never been in higher spirits in her kitchen mittens as she busies herself in the kitchen. At the sight of Ben and Rey, her face lights up and she releases an uncharacteristic squeal.

“Welcome home,” she coos as she removes her mittens and pulls Rey into a tight hug. Ben bends over to kiss her mom after Rey.

"How're you feeling, Mom?" 

Leia reaches out to Ben's face with both her hands and gives it a light reassuring shake. "Like a newborn child, Benjamin. Thank you for asking."

When Leia pulls back, she grins at the both of them. “Your room’s settled upstairs, you guys go get settled down while I – “

With eyes widening in alarm, Rey looks up at Ben. She did not prepare to stay overnight as they did the previous year (it had been the first and only time). Surely, Leia was not expecting a repeat of last year’s experience?

Ben was already two steps ahead of Rey however. He smoothly changes the topic by taking note of the extra plates laid out on the dining table.

“We’re having other guests?”

Leia looks over her shoulder to see what he was referring to and nods.

“Oh, yes! We are. Your father invited Lando. Maz called yesterday too - she managed to arrange to join us at the last minute. Can you believe it?” Leia’s face brightens with excitement – very unlike her during the previous years when she was more serious and grounded with work stress.

Ben mirrors his mother’s joy with a flash of a smile on his own. His dimples showed.

“How nice of her.”

Rey does not believe the sight before her: how easy mother and son converses, as if they had no strained history to remember. It was truly a huge progression from three years ago. Rey’s heart further warms in the strange, familiar way when she watches how Ben hovers slightly over his mother’s little shoulder to peer at what she’s stirring.

“I don’t think Rey met Lando yet,” Leia says. “But you’ll love him, dear. As he will you I’m sure.”

Rey snaps out of her distraction and nods.

“Will you need our help here?”

Leia waves a hand. “You’re free to stay around but I’m quite alright on my own.”

“I’ll join Dad then,” Ben says.

“You go do that, your old man needs some _man_ - _time_.” Leia flashes a cheeky look at Rey, as if it were some hidden joke that she was privy to.

She looks at Ben nonetheless and nods at him reassuringly. _As if_ he needed her permission. To her surprise, he nods once back at her, his eyes fixed on her alone like she was the only one to exist in the room.

When he’s gone, she looks back at Leia who has a knowing look on her face.

“What?”

“Silly girl.”

Rey gapes at her, before an amused albeit confused smile spreads on her face.

Leia turns to the gravy she had been stirring. “Did something happen between you two? You seem awfully quiet.”

“Does it seem like it?” She pretends she does not know what the elder is talking about. They had just arrived and Leia's already pointing out oddities about them. How attentive of her.

“You’re keeping a secret, aren’t you?”

This time, Rey properly studies Leia, for any sign of knowledge. If she sees a mere hint of knowing, then Finn was correct to have thought that she had been baited into this family dinner under the guise of some health scare.

But then she sees the same weariness that she had just seen on Ben’s face and then she knew Finn was wrong. Leia had deceptively covered the added wrinkles and darkened circles under her eyes with a cakey layer of make-up.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Are you pregnant?”

Rey chokes on air, squirming a little to recollect herself. “What gives you _that_ idea?”

“You two seem a lot more reserved. Very different from last year.”

The reminder of their loud banging in Ben’s old room makes Rey groan. It had been great but the morning after made her want to be swallowed down by the Earth when she saw the embarrassed looks on Han and Leia’s faces during breakfast. 

“You told me it was soundproof!” She accused Ben back then. He had the gall to reply something crude that only added fuel to her ire then and strangely enough, her arousal too.

“We agreed I’d do you from the back, didn’t I?”

At present, Leia continues to recall the memory much to Rey’s growing discomfort. “I honestly thought I was going to be having grandkids by this time of the year.”

“I’m sorry about that,” she sheepishly apologises. “Ben had said – “

“So you’re not pregnant?”

Rey stills, then shakes her head conclusively. She cannot help but catch sight of the flicker of disappointment on Leia’s face.

“Well, whatever secret that you guys are keeping from me – and _don’t_ _think_ for a second there that I won’t find out, I have acute mother’s instincts. I just hope you two know what you’re doing.”

Rey does not respond to Leia and silently helps her with other parts of the kitchen. She thinks the conversation was over until they hear a car arriving from the outside. Rey hears Han mutter to Ben about Lando arriving in his new car or something.

“Let’s greet him outside.” She hears the old man say. Han and Ben walk out of the house, with a noisy Chewie following close behind.

In their brief absence, Leia speaks to Rey in a quieter manner.

“Tell me, Rey – something’s not clicking here between you and Ben.”

She looks directly at her eye, a mix of concern and a challenge she is daring Rey to take on. She almost considers telling Leia the truth. But the weariness she sees through the mature woman’s make-up makes her think otherwise.

“He’s just been overwhelmed by your health,” she safely says. “To be honest, I didn’t know about your cancer scare until you sent over your invite and Ben told me.”

The baffled look on Leia’s face confirms her innocence. “I didn’t mean to leave you out of the loop, Rey.”

Rey is about to reassure her when Leia continues to clarify herself. “Ben had said you were under a stressful period at work. So he told me he’d tell you when it’s appropriate.”

“ _Oh_ , I see.”

“Don’t be mad at him though – “

“No, of course, I’m not.” _Not for that at least_.  

It may have been a flash of uncertainty on Rey’s face that prompted Leia to tread carefully with her next words.

“I cannot thank you enough, Rey – for bringing my son back to us.” She stiffens a little at Leia’s words. “I know I’ve said it before but perhaps you need to hear it a second time round. That boy there had nothing else to talk about but you when he accompanied me to my doctor’s appointments.”

 _This_ catches Rey’s fullest attention.

“You’d think it’d be the mother who insists to hear more from her child, but that boy can rattle on about you without prompting. My God.”

Unsure of what to say, Rey clears her throat a little shakily and tilts her head. “Like what?”

Leia seems to be slowly getting distracted by the dinner she was preparing once more.

“That you’re too good for him and that nonsense crap. An overthinking one, that boy. We eat lunch at Oliver’s once and he brings up your staunch vegetarianism and how he admires you for it and all. Then he goes on to talk about some date you two had that went wrong, back when he had yet to introduce you to us. That funny boy.”

It was strange hearing those words from Leia. Ben had always questioned and challenged her views on her vegetarianism. His annoyance was very evident. It was as if he wanted to see how far she could commit to this way of life. It had clearly been a deterrent in their meal plans or dining options, so it was only natural that Ben challenges her on it every once in awhile.

“One thing was for sure though,” Leia continues. “His head was _always_ about you. I mean it! I was almost envious there wasn’t room left for Han and I in that mind of his. But then I remember it was you who re-carved that space for his parents again. The reason why he was always at my side during my health scans. And for that I’m really grateful for you, Rey my dear. His happiness is contagious and I’m quite certain it helped me get better. He’s very much incomplete without you.”

If she thinks that Rey is rendered speechless because of the mouth-watering food that she starts to set on the table, it only goes to show how clueless and unaware Leia is to the couple’s situation.

“Are you alright, dear?”

Rey gives notice to her watering, hot eyes. She forces a smile up at the woman.

“I’m just really glad you’re strong and healthy right now.”

 She thinks of Ben, and suddenly wished they had talked.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #nowplaying
> 
> Christmas Time Is Here - Mark Kozelek  
> What Do the Lonely Do At Christmas - The Emotions
> 
> See the playlist here: https://open.spotify.com/user/iiw5ma07yvsy26ipwf8p1tav9/playlist/2kQ9Zt6CCe4XK87YVxOUHM?si=5z32VutfTDSUB6nByjXPVw
> 
> \-----
> 
> I promise more of Ben and Rey right after this! Things will then pick up and get real interesting! Flashbacks to be included for clarity.
> 
> You might have spotted what I was purposefully suggesting at the previous chapter about Ben's intentions regarding Leia's health, I hope this clarified that! I'm excited for you guys to see how this turns out :)
> 
> Keep in touch with me on Tumblr & Twitter @reylomami (I'VE BEEN NOISIER ON TWITTER because it's just such a user-friendly platform for fandoms)
> 
> If you liked what you read, I'd be grateful for a cuppa from a lova :)  
> ko-fi.com/thisismysandwich
> 
> Or a simple mark of your presence too will brighten everyone's day!!
> 
> xx


	3. Step Into Christmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Somebody hold me because I've never reached 95 kudos before so I'm quite at a shock now. THANK YOU. REALLY. 
> 
> That being said, a few concerns came up but just a kind, gentle note for this season of Christmas: I understand the ambiguity and blurred lines of original fanfic content creation. A Christmas dinner fic, pretend-relationship AU, etc. are not uncommon. 
> 
> So I'm going to safely remind the originality of my own story which stems mainly from Leia's health plot point, Rey and Ben's recent past relationship (more to be fleshed out soon but for obvious reasons I'm not giving those away just yet).
> 
> OTHER THAN THAT  
> I hope one and all finds much pleasure in this read just as I have in writing it out :)

They do talk eventually.

If one would count an indirect manner as a form of ‘talking’.

When Lando steps inside the house together with Han and Ben, Rey and Leia were just finishing with the final additions to the dinner table. Lando’s eyes land on Rey instantly and the charming man is quick to ask for her.

“My, you didn’t tell me you had another relative coming over. And _who_ is this candy?”

“That’s Ben’s girlfriend, Lando.”

The announcement makes him do a double-take from Han to his son. Ben helps his quasi-uncle take off his coat (notably, real fur) as Lando’s eyes fix back on the pretty dress that Rey has dolled herself up in.

“Uncle Lando, this is Rey. She’s been joining us for Christmas for some time now.”

“And you tell me this only _now_?” Lando looks intrigued as he approaches Rey with an extended hand.

“Take it easy now, Lando,” Han huffs from behind.

“Lando Calrissian, at your service, m’lady. It’s _very_ nice to meet you.”

Rey takes his offered hand for a shake. But Lando surprises her by bringing her hand up to his lips. “It’s nice to meet you too, sir – oh!”

“Why haven’t you introduced me to your girl all this time, Ben? She’s beautiful!” Lando praises, giving an approving look over at Ben. He then turns back to Rey and mutters low enough for Ben to catch what he’s saying.

“Tell me, Rey – what sold you to this boy here?”

“ _Uncle_ – “ Ben tries to cut off.

“Was it the charm that won you over? Because if so, Benjamin here needs to credit me for teaching him a few life skills.”

“You pleasure yourself too much, Lando,” Leia points out with a disapproving look.

Lando does not relent. “Well?” He cocks a brow at Rey in amusement.

Rey, like a deer caught in headlights, glances from Ben to Lando. “I-I _uh_ – “

“ – Aw, she’s embarrassed. Very cute.”

Somehow this makes Rey blush unnecessarily. She recovers quickly.

“I mean – what’s not to like? Ben is - ” She desperately strings up something to say, taking inspiration from their loaded history. “ – a man that any woman can ask for.”

Ben casts her a fleeting disbelieving look. Somehow again, what she says surprises Lando, Han and Leia. Unlike Lando, Han and Leia have the grace to attempt to hide their surprise.

It then dawns unto Rey that in the entirety of her relationship with Ben, they had not really explained the intricacies of how the two of them _fell for each other_.

Lando laughs a little. “Darling, are you _sure_ we’re talking about the same Ben here?”

At this, Ben uselessly tries to interject by asking about Maz’s estimated time of arrival. No one pays attention to him.

“The last time I checked, I barely recognised Solo Jr.. No offence, Ben, you know I love you. But you know what I mean.” Lando smiles reassuringly at both Ben and Rey.  “Come now, girl, what gives?”

This time, Rey sees the helpless look on Ben’s face. _The ball is on your court now_.

The nerve of this guy.

“W-well,” she starts, blinking rapidly. “I knew he was a regular at the local diner my friend and I go to often.”

She waits for a bit and Lando nods to spur her on.

“He treated the staff coldly for no reason back then – “ He seems to be nodding along in recognition now, convinced that she is talking about the Ben he was familiar with before she came into the picture.

“ – And one of those days, he scared the staff into tears, so I got up and confronted him. You know … to give him a piece of my mind. He surprised me by listening to me.” It was true. Rey had not expected the once stranger to actually tone down before her.

At this, Lando wheezes, clapping his hand onto her shoulder. “Nice one. What did you say to him?”

 _Well, this is awkward_. “I don’t think you wanna know.”

“Try me, baby.”

Rey meets Ben’s knowing eyes and swallows. At least _he_ is able to mask an indifferent face better than she can.

“Oh, _you know_ … I asked him if he had been dropped as a baby or if he had daddy issues.” Rey allowed herself to say. “It effectively shut him up.”

Rey remembers that day. Little had she known then how her words had hit straight home to his heart. She very much knows now.

Ben (or Kylo Ren, which he went by as then) had turned to her with the angriest eyes she had ever seen, his breathing heavy from having just shouted at the staff for a minor error in his order. The stunned look that followed her intrusion encouraged her to teach him a lesson.

When she scolded him and handed the waiter her own money that he had refused to pay, he had actually backed down (reluctantly) and _nodded_ once in admission. It was not until the next week when he approached her again at the same diner to properly apologise and talk about what happened. He asked her out after.

The awkward silence that follows this revelation is inevitable. Rey shoots an apologetic look at Ben with her eyes. She does not know how to read his.

“Well, fuck me sideways!” Lando exclaims. “Ben has found his perfect match!”

At this, the three senior elders burst into genuine laughter, leaving only Rey and Ben to stand in stunned silence. Rey decides then to play her part and approach Ben’s side but Lando takes her shoulder once more – not quite done with her just yet.

“ _You, child,_ are my new favourite,” he declares. He then takes both her shoulders in his hands like she was a child. “I hope you stay forever. You remove ten years of age from Han and Leia’s wrinkled faces and _I_ am in need of that rejuvenating skin solution.” 

Lando releases Rey and let her walk over to Ben who readily welcomes her at his side.

 _A performance, Rey, just a performance_.

“And you, junior, better not screw this one up. Or I’mma whoop your ass at your doorstep, boy.”

Ben stiffens but quickly recovers by nodding dutifully with a tug to his lips to appease his uncle. Rey rounds her arm on his back and feigns a complementing, enamoured smile. It does not take much effort from her, _un_ surprisingly.

Deep in her heart, she knew however that this performance they’re putting on was downright twisted and manipulative. But they are two adults who agreed to it anyway. At least until they come clean with Leia at the end of the night. Until then, they are going to commit to this façade.

Maz soon arrives. Rey had met the distinguished paediatrician the previous year when she was invited down for Christmas with the Solos too.

“Now that we’re _all_ finally here, let’s feast shall we?” Han says. It’s clear he’s been extending his hungry patience for politeness.

Thankfully, dinner conversation is dominated by Lando and Maz who recount their incredible stories from their profession, with the occasional nostalgic reminders of their youth.

Rey could do with that for as long as her relationship with Ben was not the center of attention.

Even Ben joins in the laughter in genuine amusement when Lando recalls some of the memories from his youth.

“Remember when you fell off that fishing boat?” Lando sniggered, tears threatening the corner of his eyes, just like the rest of the table, except Rey. “Han’s face was so perfect: I couldn’t tell if he was horrified about your potential death or of his own when Leia finds out.”

“You talk too much,” Han groans but lets out a full laughter anyway.

“And that is why I’m never going back to Takodana Creek ever again,” Ben contributes in jest, taking his drink to his lips. “Not because I’m traumatised, but because it’s all you can ever bring up.”

He laughs in spite of himself and brings his attention back to the shepherd’s pie he’s been finishing until he notices Rey’s somewhat untouched plate.

His eyes finds her face and realises the unintended exclusion she must have felt.

Rey notices it too because she realises how she had been forcing herself to smile and laugh appropriately even though she was completely lost as to what they were talking about. Apparently Lando coming for dinner with new stories she never heard of before could make her feel so unnecessarily out of place.

She reminds herself that she does not have to feel bad about feeling this way. That this was all for show.

Until Ben’s hand finds her knee under the table.

It was a silent acknowledgement of her slight displacement. A thing they did to acknowledge each other’s discomfort without turning attentions to them. Rey helps herself to a spoonful of shepherd’s pie and briefly smiles a little with her overfilled mouth.

At this, Ben retrieves his hand and takes his drink instead, reverting his attention back to the dinner table.

“So, Rey,” Maz begins when the boisterous laughter allays. Her keen, watchful eyes glint at Rey as if to tell her that she has not forgotten about her just yet. “How’ve you been since our last _encounter_?”

_For the love of God._

Rey forgets that Maz was a witness to their uncharacteristic horniness the last year. She visibly reddens for the second time of the day. It must have been the few sips of drinks that gave her the confidence to speak up.

“I’ve never been better,” she easily lies, hoping her casual tone will be quick to dismiss the sneaky reference.

“Oh, that’s nice – living together must be a very convenient thing then, isn’t it?”

If it was not for the question, Rey would have asked Maz to drop the memory of seeing her utterly debauched in the middle of the night.

“You’re living together?” Leia asks, surprised at the piece of news.

Ben seems to have perked up too. “No, we’re not.”

“Yeah, no, we’re not,” Rey supplies.

Maz’s face falls in confusion at the revelation. “Oh – why not? It’s not like you two have not been going strong for a while now.”

_It is. We’re faltering._

_We’ve fallen out_.

Rey helps herself to another large spoonful of Leia’s magnificent shepherd’s pie. “It’s a little hard to at the moment.”

“Oh, I know a few good properties with great locations in town that are selling at competitive prices,” Lando says, taking a sip from his wine and nodding supportively. “I can hit you two up with some of my links – “

“We’re not looking, uncle.”

“Not _at all_?”

“No,” Rey says, shaking her head unapologetically as she helps herself to another spoonful a little too soon.

“Huh, strange,” Han even says. “I thought it’d be a more cost-efficient thing that you’d consider. Well not Ben, of course, but maybe you Rey. Has work been treating you fine?”

“Just the same I guess.”

Rey’s bland answer baffles the table. She had always been tight with money unlike Ben. Even Ben had offered her the alternative, to move in with him, to which she had rejected, saying she didn’t want his charity even though he had said he’d get her to share the bills.

“So what gives?” Maz asks.

The question recalls an ugly memory of one of their heated arguments that took place a month before they broke up. Something about choosing to stay under Finn’s apartment even though Ben’s place was closer to her office and more cost-effective for her budget.

She had accused him of being possessive and jealous, while he then in turn crassly insinuated that she was being polyamorous. Rey finds difficulty in recalling how the argument had been resolved.

The only thing she remembers is the fact that they did _not_ move in together in the end. Things only went further downhill from then on. It significantly took more effort for both parties to maintain their relationship after that argument.

“She’s helping out with her best friend’s apartment bills,” Ben clarifies on her behalf. Her mouth was too full to speak.

Rey notes his graciousness to phrase it diplomatically, unlike the way he first had when they argued about it.

The truth, however, was that Finn was not struggling to meet the rent. The First Order pays him well enough in spite of his gripes on it. Ben would know this because he too works for the First Order and has some sort of say in the salary levels set across the organisation.

“You mean Finn?” Han asks.

“Finn?” Maz and Lando echoes. “ _A man_? Is he gay?”

Rey frowns and shakes her head. “No, he’s in a relationship with another friend.”

The two family guests seem to glance concernedly at Ben before looking at each other. Rey observes this and looks at Ben, who has zeroed in his focus on his plate.

“Interesting,” Lando mutters, shrugging a little and helping himself to his food thoughtfully. “Don’t mind me intruding a little here, darling. But how long have you been staying with this Finn guy?”

“Right out of college, I think?”

“ - _Wow_.”

“And you haven’t considered finding a place of your own?”

Rey is now understanding where their strange curiosity is coming from. It annoys her because they sounded just like Ben did when they had this cohabitation argument.

She musters a determined look and shrugs at their question.

“It’s all working out fine. Is it not, Ben?”

Ben hums and drapes his arm on the back of her chair as he chews on his food. Rey knows he’s appeasing her, knowing very well that he had been disapproving of her determined choice to stay with Finn.

“I don’t know, you guys,” Maz says carefully. “I know research says that unmarried couples staying together tend to break up faster. That, _or_ they find a lasting marriage with each other.”

Maz screws her face in sheer confusion.

“But this staying with your straight male friend for a long time is a different matter. What makes him a better home than Ben, Rey?”

Rey’s chest tightens uncomfortably. She looks over at each of the elders on the table. Leia and Han have leaned forward too, clearly interested in what she had to say.

She opens her mouth but her words stutter out incoherently. “W-well, I-I – “

“Rey has intimacy issues,” Ben says matter-of-factly, his arm still draped on the back of her chair as he picks a piece of cheese from the platter and nibbles on it. “I didn’t want to push her into anything.”

“ _Intimacy issues?_ ” Someone repeats in confusion.

Rey looks at Ben. She should have been grateful for the neutral solutions he has been feeding them, but somehow, the irrational side of her only narrows down to their old argument. To a truth he had been pointing out to her but has long been denying.

 

\---

 

_“I do NOT have intimacy issues.”_

_“Yes, you_ do _. There’s no other rational reason for you to refuse my pragmatic offer.”_

_“It’s because he’s my best friend, Ben!”_

_“And am I not your boyfriend, Rey?” He asked, the small crack in his voice momentarily revealing the hurt her reasoning gave him. “For three years, just to remind you.”_

_“It’s_ different _. You’ll hate me when you realise how difficult it is to have me around. Finn does.”_

_“Rey, we’ve stayed at each other’s places for days before. Weeks even. I’ve seen how you devote yourself to cleanliness. You always praise my space for everything except its lack of plants. If it’s more flowers and plants that you want in my apartment, I can do that–“_

_“I just_ can’t _, Ben, okay?”_

_A pregnant silence follows._

_He chews on his cheek, scrambling for other reasons that she could possibly have. He spoke the next words pensively then._

_“Do you not like the idea of staying with me?”_

_Rey fumbled at the question. She blinked rapidly. For all her determination to remain staying with Finn – even the fact that he’s almost always at Rose’s, and Ben at hers – she did not know how to justify herself at all._

_“I’m just not ready.”_

_Another silence followed. This time, however, Ben was acquiescing._

_“I hope you understand, Ben.”_

_To his credit, he nodded his head, his face passive. The stiffness of his response unsettled her._

_“I don’t. But I’ll try to.” He hesitated, clearly bristled as he weaved a hand through his hair. “Till then, you tell me when you_ are, _in fact, ready.”_

_He searched for his phone and made the pretence of looking at his messages to excuse himself for some urgent work thing. Rey looks after him helplessly, her mouth suddenly dry._

_“Will I see you tonight?” she lamely asked, suddenly acutely aware of the damage she caused._

_She could feel the reluctance vibrating off of him in the air. Still, he nodded without meeting her eyes._

_“Of course.”_

 

\---

 

“I do not have intimacy issues,” Rey clarifies to the whole table, a chill running down her spine at the odd repetition of their old argument. Ben looks at her, his face annoyingly unreadable.

Lando laughs a little. His eyes were a little short of his standard mirth.

“Well, _please_ , enlighten us, sweetie.”

She drops her spoon a little too loudly on her plate. She struggles to swallow down her food. _Since they were so insistent..._

“I know what it’s like to be walked out on as a kid,” she explains, all business-like.

The stunned silence that follows does not stop her from further putting her point through.

“Finn and I are the only one who understands what it’s like to be left unwanted. We’ve been left behind to fend for ourselves since young and we only had each other in our struggle to survive while growing up. It’s not intimacy I have a problem with – _as you would know, Maz, from last year_ ,“ she pointedly reminds.

“It’s when people _walk out_ on me and leave me hanging that I have a problem with. Had my parents not done it to me by leaving me with a good-for-nothing guardian, I’d probably not be explaining this right now. So there. Call it an intimacy issue or what not, this is what it is.”

She sits back on her chair and quickly regrets it when she feels and realises that Ben’s arm had been hanging on it. The silence seems to stretch out longer than desired, with the elders exchanging confounded looks.

But the silence she feels from Ben is thicker than anyone else’s. He knows that she alluded to the radio silence between them. The one that followed after walking out of their argument without any plan to resolve it. He seems to want to say something to her. But not in front of an audience.

He keeps his face stock-still. His seeming indifference serving as a ploy to not give anything away to his family. And perhaps to Rey too.  

“Well, if it’s worth anything,” Han starts, putting a final end to the uncomfortable silence, “We’re glad you’re here today with us, Rey.”

Ben purses his lips. His father rarely expresses himself so openly.

“And,” Leia adds on, “We always want you, Rey. Not as much as Ben does, maybe, but we love you as far as our capacity to love will allow us.”

Rey looks down. She feels a wall of hot tears begin to well up her eyes.

“It’s unfortunate that your parents didn’t see you the way we do but you know what? I think I can do with more of the fortune they didn’t want. Isn’t that right?” Leia shoots her a motherly smile and she quickly blinks the tears away.

She manages to mouth a ‘thank you’ as Lando breaks the tension by announcing another round of drinks.

“Now, now,” He says as he goes around to refill everyone’s glasses. “’Tis the season for merrymaking so Benjamin why don’t you give your girl a kiss. She looks like she needs one.”

Rey lets out an indecipherable sound that causes the wall of tears to collapse onto her cheeks.

Ben quickly extends a handkerchief to her. He goes to lean in close enough to her face, with genuine concern in his warm brown eyes. “We can go home now if you want to.”

But Lando somehow hears him. “I didn’t _ask_ you to offer to take her home, boy.”

Ben wills himself not to glare at Lando.

“Oh come on now, she only needs that smooch and all will be well,” Maz fuels lovingly.

Rey finishes dabbing on her wet cheeks and manages to smile kindly.

“It’s alright. I’m fine,” she insists, not wanting to put Ben on the spot. She feels Ben brush his thumb to wipe a spot she had missed and quickly appreciates the gesture – genuine or not.

But the insistence does not stop.

Even when Leia gets up to get dessert, Lando still continues to insist. Han merely watches on in amusement, completely oblivious to the torture the younger kids are being subjected to.

Ben is visibly irritated by their insistence and Rey cuts in to save him from the pain. Without a second thought, she reaches out to run her hand briefly through the side of his hair like she used to – _oh, how fucking soft she forgot it was_ – and leans in to plant an innocent kiss on his cheek.

Her lips don’t land on the side of his cheek however. In his momentary confusion, Ben turned his face to look at her, only to end up having her lips press to one-half of his.

Rey quickly pulls back just by a fraction. Suddenly too close to his unconventionally attractive face. Suddenly too intoxicated by the scent of his aftershave and cologne.

Her brows knit down in confusion as desire overrides her rationality. _Hold it together_ , one part of her says. The other part, however:  _It’s a fucking show_ , she’s allowed to kiss her ex-boyfriend.

She leans in and claims his mouth properly, her hand creeping behind his head to grab his hair.

Ben notably stiffens under her touch at first. He eventually welcomes the kiss, letting her lead the pace while keeping his hands to himself. When Rey removes herself from the brief contact, reality dawns unto her. But Ben leans down quickly once more to steal just another kiss. Like it was the last time he was allowed to.

The others, by then, seem to have been distracted by the dessert Leia brought over. Only Maz acknowledges their small moment to herself. “Intimacy issues. _Right_.”

Leia hands out dessert plates to everyone with palpable excitement. “I made your favourite, by the way, Ben. I forgot how painful it is to make apple strudels like you liked them.”

Ben and Rey were still staring down at each other as Leia helped them to their portions of the dessert.

“It’s not just Christmas we’re celebrating today, now,” she says, making sure everyone had their slice before she sat back down. “We’re very happy you found a new job in time for the new year too, Ben.”

Rey frowns. _New job?_

Ben has turned his face away from her. “Mom, I told you it’s nothing – “

“It’s not _nothing_ ,” Han tells him, interrupting Leia. “I can’t have you thinking that way, Ben. Quitting that slave-driving job to buy yourself time for your mother is _not_ nothing. You need to know that.”

Father and son exchange a look, as if they already had this conversation. There’s a look in Han’s eyes that Rey never saw before. She feels her own throat tighten at the revelation.

“Oh yeah, it’s about time you left that Snoke guy. I heard he’s gonna be investigated for embezzlements. _On top of_ civil violations."

"He deserves what he’s getting.”

It seemed that Rey was the only one who had no knowledge of Ben quitting.

In her bid to find out pathetically, she croaks, “Which one hired you again, Ben?”

It was a veiled attempt to pretend that she knew about his brief unemployment and subsequent job hunting.

Ben avoids her eye as he takes his napkin to dab his mouth.

His job had been the tipping point of their relationship. Everything about it had taken his mind, body and soul away from her. Away from _them_. They both knew this.

“The one with Luke Skywalker.”

 _Luke Skywalker_.

Rey does not _believe_ what she’s hearing.

“… The one at _Ireland_?” She prods, slowly, letting the shock sink in. “You’re going to work for Ahch-To Industries?”

Ben finally returns her gaze. A series of emotions flicker on her face.

“Yes. I am.”

Rey is momentarily taken four months back, suddenly wishing desperately she had put aside her pride then to take matters into her own hand.

  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #nowplaying
> 
> Step Into Christmas - Elton John  
> I Want to Come Home for Christmas - Marvin Gaye
> 
> See the playlist here: https://open.spotify.com/user/iiw5ma07yvsy26ipwf8p1tav9/playlist/2kQ9Zt6CCe4XK87YVxOUHM?si=5z32VutfTDSUB6nByjXPVw
> 
> ___
> 
> Hope the lengthy one was alright! I tried to flesh out their backstory a bit more while balancing it with the present, so if you have any feedback on them, I'm all ears!
> 
> I guess we're taking quite a turn with these revelations now that we're here! Another proper flashback to be expected in the next one and we'll be ending soon!!
> 
> Thank you all for the love once more. I hope this nugget of a Christmas treat truly delivers for y'all. I'm very VERY very grateful for you guys reading this :')


	4. Put a Little Love in Your Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your invested, kind comments! Not going to lie, I started typing this chapter out as soon as the first round of comments came through. I just took a little longer to proofread this and make sure it sounds the way I want it to sound. 
> 
> And yes. I've made a mood board to accompany this short fic! We're almost there thank you in advance for joining in the ride with me! :)
> 
> edit: "Let the past die. Kill it if you have to." I warped the shit out of it here but you don’t have to know that unless you’re the nitpicky Star Wars canon reader. Enjoy!

 

**_4 Months Ago - August 14, 6.23PM_ **

 

“ _Oh god-fucking-dammit!_ ”

The sound of the blaring ringing sound from the oven rudely interrupts her soulful singing session. Rey drops the chocolate mix she had been tending to and ran over to the oven. At least the lasagne she had been labouring to perfect for eternity is finally done.

When she sets it out, she grins widely to herself. _Ben was going to love this_. He had been casually mentioning the pasta place from downtown whenever hunger got the better of him. Somehow they never got the chance to actually go there to satisfy his intermittent craving.

So Rey decided that today would be the day his craving is satisfied. To celebrate a new milestone unlocked: _four years_ of being together.

Never mind that the past few days had the both of them being tense from work, venting out their unchanneled frustrations in different forms on each other. Never mind also the fact that their last major argument had taken place just a few weeks back.

If there’s anything that Rey learned from being in a relationship, it was the importance of moving forward no matter what hurdles they face as a couple. So what if they fight almost every week but never come to a solution after? No matter the topic in hand.

What was important was the _now_ , Rey tells herself. The fact that they still choose to be together is enough of a reason to live in the _now_ and _forget_ the past. She’s glad they are always on the same page about dropping a fight and sweeping it under the rug – it makes things a lot _easier_. Too easy, in fact. She thinks she likes it.

For that, she wanted that night to be special: a big break from the whirlwind of frequent, heated back-and-forths from the past few weeks.

Rey is blissfully preparing the surprise candlelit dinner for the night at her apartment. She had taken leave (much to Dameron’s disapproval) that day to prepare the four-course meal specifically for the both of them.

Finn, as usual, would be spending the night at Rose’s, thereby leaving the whole place to themselves.

Rey even curated a playlist to get her mind off anything negative to prepare for the night. Joni Mitchell blares in the background to set the tranquil, romantic atmosphere.

She and Ben had been so susceptible to toxicity and negativity too frequently as of late. And so, a simple Google search helped her find a quick-fix solution: Rey learned that a good playlist is the key to purging out the negativity. And she thinks it works.

Tempering the toxicity and maintaining a busy relationship isn’t so bad after all when Joni Mitchell’s ‘Help Me’ is playing in the background.

Rey lights a couple of scented candles on the table and ensures that the main dishes are ready. The wine sits in an ice bucket in the middle of the table. She checks her phone for the time ( _6.56PM_ ) and for any messages that Ben might have left her ( _none_ ).

“Guess I’m gonna have to wait with Ms Joni for awhile,” Rey mutters to herself optimistically as she walks over to the radio to turn up the volume. She will not let anything trouble the calmness of her mind.

She sits down and waits for Ben to arrive at her doorstep.

 _Any time now_.

But a few minutes soon becomes a whole hour.

 _Strange_. Ben should have arrived by then. He always ends early on a Tuesday.

Before she could let herself worry, she takes a deep breath _(“My therapist says it works all the time,” Rose had told her_ ). Rey decides that the night was just another anomaly at work. He _had_ complained anyway about the back-to-back deadlines set by Snoke a few weeks ago.

She entertains herself with her phone as she carries on waiting. But another hour passes and still no sign of him emerges. This time, she allows her suspicions and brings up her phone to try and call Ben.

She is sent straight to voicemail.

“Huh.”

She texts Finn for Hux’s number and is grateful for the quick reply. Hux answers her call after two rings.

“Armitage speaking. Who is this?”

“Hi,” Rey says, pushing her hair back from her face. “This is Rey. Ben’s girlfriend–“

“How’d you get this number?”

Stunned, Rey quickly goes straight to the point. “Is Ben there? I tried to reach him but – “

“Last I checked he was in the conference room,” Hux answers, his tone clipped and uncaring. “He and Bazine are tied up at the moment. Best not to disturb. Do you want me to pass a message?”

Rey’s mouth dries at the name ‘Bazine’.

_What the fuck?_

“Could you just tell him I called please?”

“Is it urgent?”

“Only if he’s not too caught up –“ Rey barely finishes her sentence when Hux hangs up on her.

She gapes at her phone. She would have been appalled at his rudeness had he not mentioned Bazine’s name. A cold chill runs down her spine but she wills herself nonetheless to remain cool _._

 _They’re just co-workers_ , she tells herself, _Co-workers tasked to do the same thing_.

The self-convincing falls short however when she tries to ring Ben again without any success.

Another couple of hours pass. The candles are blown to preserve its wax design. The food still sits on the table but with platters to cover them up.

Rey, in spite of her growing tiredness, has opted to stand next to the wall by the telephone. Waiting for it to ring. Not that Ben calling her through the apartment number was any different from her cell phone.

By that point, she was desperate for a sign from him. She had sent a text or two, tried to call again in intermittent timings. And still, she hears nothing from him.

The sound of the door knob turning catches her attention then. She stands stock still with only her face turned to see if it was who she was expecting who enters.

Ben emerges at the door, his hair falling in wisps on his face at what might have been the outside rain’s doing. His eyes scan the empty apartment before landing on her from the other side of the place.

“Hey.”

Rey blinks at him. “Hi there.”

He looks unperturbed, ready to rewind from the long day at work. Ben begins to loosen his tie as he walks over to Rey to give her a greeting kiss.

“Listen, Snoke pulled another one on me,” he says, “And I couldn’t get out early enough.”

“And your phone?”

“I _may_ not have thrown it against the wall,” he answers frankly, amusement hinting his tone in spite of the reality of his on-going temperamental issues. He is oblivious to Rey’s stiffness. “My luck’s really being tested today,” he adds in complete unawareness.

He reaches her and bends to kiss her forehead but Rey makes to avoid it.

 _This_ catches his attention.

She remains silent, her eyes cast to the floor. Ben looks at her, perplexed, until the sight of the dinner set-up emerges from the corner of his peripheral view.

The blood drains from his face instantly.

“It’s okay if you forgot,” Rey tells him quietly, trying to be the ‘cool’ girlfriend that online advice columns emphasise a lot on.

Ben, who is too smart to not see through the façade she’s trying to hide under, watches her carefully. He frowns a little, deep in thought.

It wasn’t an apologetic one.

“No, no, I didn’t,” he assures her, his voice gentle as his hands hover over her arms, before settling just above her elbows. “I just thought we agreed that we’re not celebrating our anniversary until Saturday.”

It’s Rey’s turn to scrutinise him now, her frown evident of her confounded state. But a faint memory of a fleeting discussion they had the week prior comes to mind and she breaks eye contact away from him at the embarrassing realisation. She may not have forgotten about that.

Ben seems to notice this but says anyway, “I’m famished though – so I’m ready to dig in. Shall we?”

She takes a breath. _He’s making an effort, so should you_. “Yeah, sure.”

They sat down as Ben uncovered the dishes, accompanying it with commonplace praises and acknowledgements that rings hollow to Rey’s numb ears.

He uncaps the wine bottle and carefully fills their glasses. Rey is still uncannily silent and he does not let himself be perturbed by it.

“Happy anniversary, Rey.”

Rey shifts her gaze from his raised glass to his face. Behind the gentle smile, she sees the tentative fear layered beneath it. The same fear that tells her he’s expecting her to combust at any point in time.

It’s not just him with the temperamental issues here.

“Happy anniversary.” They clink glasses and help themselves to the food that has lost its heat.

“Where’d you find the time to make these?”

Rey avoids his eyes as she scratches the tip of her nose uncomfortably. “I took the day off.” She nods. “But I’ve always wanted to take the time to experiment anyway.”

Ben gives no response except to swallow uncomfortably and dig in.

A tense silence pass by the both of them as they ate. Rey has long lost her appetite, and she suspects Ben has too. But still the two of them force themselves to eat – out of civility.

The playlist she had been running has long ended already. Their dinner was instead serenaded by the loudness of the ticking of the clock.

It sounds like a bomb timer counting down to explosion.

 .

.

.

**_Present_ **

 

Ben’s parents brings their old-time friends to the living room for actual drinks. He had offered to clean up dinner, much to Leia’s discomfort, and Rey naturally wanted to help him.

He was better company than Maz and Lando anyway.

They cleared the table in silence. The only sound they hear being the boisterous laughter from the elders and the faint Christmas Elvis Presley music that Lando must have put on play.

It was too easy for the both of them to fall into their familiar system to clear dinner. She with the tables and he at the sink (Rey had the knack for re-setting the table with its table piece and table runner).

After taking a few plates with him to the sink, Ben pulled up his Armani sweater sleeves to get started with the dishes as Rey collected the remaining plates from the dining table.

She can’t help but stare at his broad back when he is not looking.

_Ireland._

_He’s going to Ireland._

The piece of news is still hard to digest. She has not recovered from the shock of it all. Dessert was finished with stunned silence from her part. Ben had made the effort to carry on with conversation, but only Rey’s attuned ears could tell that it was taking a lot of effort on his part too, no matter how laid-back he may have sounded.

She goes up to him with the last stack of plates wordlessly. Her eyes search for any sign of communication from him. But his focus is dead set on the dishes he is washing, as if he did not want to broach the topic at all.

She makes to turn away to join the rest. She can’t help feeling crestfallen when Ben does not acknowledge her even as she steps away. It was not like there was anyone else in the kitchen to see them behave as a couple anyway, Ben must have thought. But this was the only moment of privacy that they finally had for themselves.

Her chest feels heavy at his silence.

He was not the only one to be blamed though. She too had been very adamant about her self-preservation. Being able to admit so was the product of having her self-pride humbled throughout the course of the evening thanks to the little revelations unveiled to her.

And Christmas is not even done yet.

She watches him busy himself with the dishes. The familiar veins running across his exposed forearms now reminding her of long-forgotten memories. Memories that have been buried under the dirt and dust of their toxic arguments in the later part of their relationship.

It brings an odd chill down her spine. She remembers clearly now: how it felt to be caged within those strong forearms in the wee hours of the night of their lovemaking, or how she’d see his arm shake as he devoted himself to work her into completion.

Suddenly she wishes that she could see his face, to get a glimpse of what he might be feeling; if he’s dealing with the same emotional storm that she is at the moment.

This time she lets her heart lead her, forgoing whatever rational, self-preservation logic that has long restrained her from taking control of their down-spiralling relationship.

She walks slowly back to him and carefully wraps her arms around him from behind, leaning her forehead on the familiar spot between his shoulder blades. _Fuck, how she missed this_. She indulges in the smell of him, allowing the rush of more happy memories to flood her mind.

He tenses very much under her touch, and she can’t help but sadly think if this is what their relationship has come to - wariness and caution under each other’s touches.

“I’m not pretending anymore,” she tells him, her voice soft and surrendering.

The water from the tap is still running. But it does not hit on any plates anymore. He seems to have let it run on its own, unsure of how to respond.

For a while, they stay as they are, a teetering moment of awkward and comfortable. As the minutes stretch longer though, so does the comfort. They cherish the moment of peace that they are privileged with for just that moment in the night.

Rey does not know if they will ever have a moment like this again.

The water stops running and Rey feels Ben shift around her arms. She keeps her eyes trained on his chest when he has faced her, avoiding his eyes, knowing that she might not be able to handle the intensity of his gaze before she bursts out crying.

“I know you’re not.” His voice is low and quiet. The world around them is suddenly theirs to control in the small space between them.

Rey then allows herself to look up at him. He’s still towering over her and she forgets the last time they have been in this similar intimate position. Perhaps early in their relationship, but never the last few months of it.

The silence soon expands rapidly with everything that they’ve left hanging in the air from their lashing out from four months ago. Before she knows it, Rey gasps for air as tears she had not noticed fall from her eyes for the second time that night.

 _Fuck this Christmas. Fuckfuckfuckfuck_ –

“Why didn’t you come back?”

She sounds like a little girl now. The little girl who would have asked this question to her reckless parents, if not him.

She _had_ to know why he didn’t come back though. It does not help that Ben looks sadly down at her but she allows it anyway. She will welcome any form of attention he gives her. Four months of not having it has taught her too much of a lesson.

His hands, once clasped on the edge of the sink counter, now comes up carefully to wrap her jaws. His thumb circles the skin below her ear.

“Why didn’t you take back what you said?”

 _This_. This habit of answering each other’s questions with another question. Rey purses her lips and briefly brings a hand up to wipe all the tears from her face at once.

“You know I didn’t mean it.” She remembers the fury passion in her words from that night.

 _You realise I’m only putting up with you, right? I wished – I wished I’d seen_ sooner _why nobody liked you. In fact, I wished I’d_ never _gone up to you. I mean_ , Jesus Christ _!_ _I’m the fool who should have thought otherwise._

The words had come out knowing very well that it would puncture him right at the heart. She might have not meant it, but the furious conviction in her voice had been very hard to overlook.

“Rey,” he started, his hands dropping a little lower to her shoulders now, “I only wanted to give you space. You said you didn’t want to see me – “

This somehow causes Rey to cry harder. It takes an effort to be quiet in her crying, not wanting to invite any attention from the others at the living room.

“Of course I didn’t mean that. I regretted it fully as soon as it came out.”

She releases her hold from him to bring both her hands to fix her face.

“What have we become, Ben?” She asks genuinely. “Things weren’t supposed to be like this and now you’re moving to fuckin’ Ireland.”

In his discomfort, he weaves his hand through his hair, thinking. “I got distracted.” _By Snoke, by ambition, by glory_.

But Rey shakes her head, putting her hands to her chest, as if to tell him that _she_ too had been distracted. Being in a committed relationship had caused her to obsess over shallow things like how to behave as a girlfriend, how to contribute and know what to expect in return as a result of her inherent fear of being less than perfect.

Her parents had not wanted her, and she had no idea why. As soon as Ben had first asked if she wanted them to be exclusive, the same latent fears that she had long overcome in her youth came back like a lashing on her.

“You were all I thought about, you know?” His voice speaks up once more.

She doesn’t say anything as she tends to her terribly wet eyes.

“With our fallout and the news that Mom broke to me about her breast scans – “ Ben stops to find the words that best articulates his tangled thoughts, “I didn’t know what else to do. Everyday after that night, I wanted to go back to you. To straighten things out personally, not over the phone or email.”

“You knew I was waiting for you,” Rey whispered, properly admitting her weakness in taking initiative to make amends between the both of them. “Why didn’t you?”

Ben looks at her like the answer was obvious. “Snoke.”

The name is self-explanatory. She had always accused him of being married to the mogul after having him repeatedly cancel on their dates, go so far as to back out at the very last minute as her date for her company’s D&D. She had ended up bringing Finn instead, which only added fuel to their anger at each other.

“You were right.”

He looks tired, like he had lived a hundred years in darkness.

“My life was revolving around his thoughts, his expectations - _Fuck_ , I was too obsessed by it that I kept delaying making things right with you until it’s fucking September and before I could do anything about it, Mom drops the bomb on me about that fucking cancer scare.”

His hands have returned to clasp against the sink counter. Rey stares at him, clarity cutting through the fog of misunderstandings that she had been so wrapped up with.

“Ben. If it wasn’t for Leia, I thought you’d run off with Bazine or – “

“ _Jesus_ , Rey, no.” The constant return to Bazine being a threat to her in Ben’s life is long obsolete. “You, of all people, should know that you’re the only one I ever wanted.”

At that moment, they were completely on the same wavelength. Their minds never more attuned to each other’s as before. She doesn’t see him as the removed, out-of-touch stranger in the later part of their relationship anymore. She sees Ben Solo, the humbled dickhead from the café, in front of her again.

Rey swallows. “So you – what made you quit? Was it Leia?”

Ben nods slowly, his eyes down on the floor. Another hand come up to push the fallen hair off his face.

“When Snoke didn’t let me have the time to make amends with you, I thought I still had time to spare.” He chews his lip a little, avoiding Rey’s eyes now. “But when Mom’s pre-diagnosis happened, it made me rethink quickly about the time I really had for the people in my life. I lost time for you. The possibility of losing time on my sick mother became a reality. I didn’t want to lose any more of it while she’s still at her healthiest.”

There’s a breaking of glass from the living room, followed by an uproar of laughter but neither Ben nor Rey cared about it.

“So I quit. I left when Snoke refused to give me just one afternoon to accompany Mom to Kenobi’s clinic.” Ben said. The memory of it evidently troubles his face. “I took my things and left for good. No big announcement, no witnesses to my walk out. Just like that.”

“And you spent every single day after accompanying your mother to her tests.”

A tight nod follows. “That, I did.”

A momentary silence falls between the both of them to digest all that has been said.

“It was only natural. The last words I left you had nagged at me for a long time,” he huffs, his tone defeated.

Rey blinks rapidly. She too remembers how capable he was of having a sharp tongue.

 _And what the fuck do_ you _know about family? You never had one. Stop pretending you did just so you can fucking lecture me on how the fuck I should treat those old fucks. I know what both sides is like and if I’ve said it before I’ll say it again: I don’t need them just as they didn’t need me._

Ben rarely showed his emotions unless it was rage and anger. It had been a problem later on in their relationship when Rey was desperate to get a reassurance of his capacity to feel and love, unlike her parents.

There was a time he could express them easily. But as he ascended the corporate ladder while being in a relationship with Rey, he slowly lost touch of his own emotions. Snoke had drilled on him to manipulate and mask the deepest of his own emotions. Even from himself.

So when Rey sees the red in his eyes at that moment, she instinctively takes his clenched hands from the counter and covers them with her own.

She waits for him take his time to gather his thoughts.

“Thank God she’s clear of that now.” She quietly mutters, bending to press her lips to his hands.

“We’re trying to keep it that way.”

At this, Rey remembers why she’s here and what they’re doing. She lowers their hands and breathes deeply in exhaustion.

“Ben, this whole pretending is utter bullshit.”

He stiffens under her but she rubs gently on the skin of his hand.

“I told you I’m not pretending anymore,” she says. “I want to _talk_. I want to take back _everything_ that we’ve argued about and fix it like proper adults.”

“Rey, I’m going to Ireland – “

She snaps at him for interrupting. “I’ll go with you then.”

Ben stares down at her like she’s crazy.

And she was. But she was not going to give him that. Because she does not know how she was going to explain not wanting to move out of her shared apartment to wanting to drop everything and cross oceans just to be with him.

The fucking _unpredictability_ of this woman.

“Are you drunk?”

“What? _No_.”

His face steels before her however. “You can’t just drop this on me, Rey – you need to think about it – “

“ – And _I have!”_ She urges. “I have for the past _four_ god-awful months!”

She’s breathing heavy now, their eyes locked on each other, too busy dissecting the truths in their eyes.

“And Finn?”

“ _What about him?_ Finn wants to kick me out. Or leave the apartment to myself so he can finally stay with Rose – “

“– So I’m the backup then? To keep your loneliness quota in check?”

It’s hard to tell if he’s being snarky.

“ _No_. To keep my fucking budget in check, of course.”

She was not going to have any of this. She knows he wants her to stay with him. It is only a shame that she only realises too late that she does too.

And she _really_ fucking wants to. Even if it means emptying her pockets for a one-way trip to join him in fucking Ireland.

Ben stops, humour glinting in his eyes and the temptation to give in to laughter at her rapid-fire wit of a response.

“You’re deluded, you know that, Rey?”

Her face falls at this. But before she knows it, he has pressed his forehead to hers, tilted his head and kissed her like it was the first time.

And she gives in to it fully. Her hands lifting to take the hair she has long been desiring to have a grip of as he cradles the back of her head. Heat warms deep in her belly and the intoxication is enough to fuel her to press herself flush against him.

“ _Ben…_ ”

Their noses bump as if to remind the 4-month long lack of practice. But their natural pace sets in very quickly and the pressing of lips is unlike any they’ve had before. It’s emotionally-charged but purposefully slow in spite of their eagerness; taking their time to savour the softness of their lips, the flavour of their tongues and –

“Leia! Han! _They’re fucking in your kitchen!_ ”

Maz’s snide voice rips the both of them apart. They had been seen from afar. Rey blushes a crimson red. The both of them breathing heavily.

“I’m so sorry about Maz and Lando,” Ben quickly says, horror in his eyes when he takes in her utter discomfort. “I didn’t realise how fucking intrusive they could be.”

Rey nods, clearly shaken but still trying to be understandable as she tries to readjust her breathing. His extended family had really taken a toll on her patience that night.

The sudden space between her and Ben feels like an invisible wall now.

He chivalrously waits for her to recollect herself to speak again.

When she does, she blinks away from his piercing gaze.

“I think I’d like to go home now, please.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #nowplaying
> 
> I Hate Christmas Parties - Relient K  
> Happy Xmas (War is Over) - John Lennon, The Harlem Community Choir, The Plastic Ono Band, Yoko Ono
> 
> See the playlist here: https://open.spotify.com/user/iiw5ma07yvsy26ipwf8p1tav9/playlist/2kQ9Zt6CCe4XK87YVxOUHM?si=5z32VutfTDSUB6nByjXPVw
> 
> ___
> 
> I have nothing else to say except the next one comes out tomorrow! Thank you once again for joining this ride with me :) I love talking about where this potentially goes with you guys (even if I've carved the ending picture in my head already) but still, it's nice to see what you guys took away from it! 
> 
> If you'd like more of this I'm always considering its possibility. Fleshing out relationship dynamics might just be my new thing. Anyway, just one more chapter! Thank you for sitting tight with me, I've said it before but I am TRULY humbled by your reception to this so far <3 Tq for the luvin'


	5. It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT'S HERE.
> 
> I've been delayed but though the winds may stop me, though the Earth shatter and shake beneath my feet, I've done it. I've actually written this ending.
> 
> Yes, the thirst of hoes will be quenched, the poor who seek closure will be answered. A full playlist to reminisce on this pic is at your disposal. (my idea, though not in this pic, of the music they'd likely make love to is at the ending notes)
> 
> Thank you for the love and patience. I don't know how to feel about finally putting out a complete fic out there.
> 
> Merry Christmas all! 
> 
> NSFW (woven with plot)

 

“You’re not staying the night?”

Leia’s eyes are wide and longing.

“I’ve got to be at town early tomorrow,” Rey lies easily, putting up a sucks-to-be-me smile to accompany her alibi. When Leia’s longing face does not relent, she adds, “We’re organising our company’s Christmas get-together.”

Immediately, she scrambles through her Christmas bag and pulls out the gifts she prepared for them.

“Here, I got you these.” She pulls out two carefully wrapped boxes and hands it out to Han and Leia respectively.

She got Leia a nice scarf (a reminder of that one time they went window-shopping at the local mall and saw a sale) and for Han, she got him a red swiss knife (which she may have exceeded her budget for). She knew how the old man liked to tinker around their appliances, if not his car, to pass time.

Rey does not forget Ben, who is seated on the couch, playing with his car keys while waiting for them. She decides however to present her gift to him later.

“Thank you, sweetie, I already love it,” Leia promises. “Whatever it is.”

Han then appears from behind her, extending a single paper bag. “Thought you two would be staying so we didn’t have the time to wrap your gifts up.”

“It’s fine, Dad.”

“Anyway I hope you two like our gift. Your mother had insisted on giving something young and hip,” his dad says. Han glances over at a distracted Leia before muttering to them secretly, “As if you two need _that_ from us.”

“Will we have you guys for New Year’s?” Leia asks. It was routine for her to ask after Christmas so that she would know whether to RSVP accordingly to their neighbours’ new year invites.

Ben and Rey exchange looks and Ben clears his throat, deciding to clear matters once and for all as they had initially agreed on.

“Mom, the thing is – “

“ – We’ve said yes to another friend’s invite already,” Rey cuts in, a hesitant, fleeting look thrown at Ben’s way. He looks at her, his brows furrowing down in uncertainty.

She avoids his scrutinising look and flashes an apologetic smile over at Han and Leia. Maz and Lando were just at the vicinity but were too engrossed in their own stories.

She thinks it would be unwise of her and Ben to break the news of their relationship status to his parents when Maz and Lando are still around.

“Oh, no worries on that,” Leia says. “We’ll say yes to Holdo then.”

“Best you two be heading now before the snow gets heavier.”

Han and Leia walk the younger two to the door and exchange their final goodbyes.

“You be good now, ok?” Leia tells Ben, as if he was a seven years old again. “And _call me_ when you hear from Luke again. Your uncle’s never picking up my calls.”

“I will if you send me those Kenobi bills,” Ben says nonchalantly as he fixes himself in his coat. His parents retort at the idea and Rey cannot help but let an amused smile stretch on her face at their bickering.

“Alright, see you soon.”

“Bye, Rey.”

“Text when you’re home!”

The goodbyes take a little longer with another round of hugs and kisses but eventually the two of them reach Ben’s car. They are quick to get settled and the car revs up to life.

“Why’d you do that?” Ben asks. He was referring to her not telling the truth once and for all to Leia.

Rey pulls on her seatbelt and shrugs. “Did you want your other _guests_ to be privy to that information too?”

“Point taken.”

Unlike the ride earlier, Rey takes the liberty to turn on his radio to the softness of Louis Armstrong’s Christmas music playing. The silence between them was a different kind of tense now.

It was not as heavy and loaded as before. It was now thick with anticipation and uncertainty. After the events of the night, they now find themselves at a new crossroad. The uncertainty of what to do next is palpable in the air.

Throughout the ride, Rey thinks of something to say, to break the loaded silence. But each time she manages to string up the words into a sentence and is ready to vocalise them, her second thoughts pull her back from doing anything.

 _For God’s sake, she was an adult_. 

She shouldn’t be so nervous and jittery with the man who has seen her in and out. Literally _and_ figuratively. And here she is, hesitating like an awkward teenager.

Her mental acrobatics keeps her silent throughout the ride in the end.

They do reach her street eventually.

When he pulls over, she anticipates the inevitable awkward quiet that will follow. Ben breathes heavily and she looks at him.

“Thanks for the ride.”

“Thanks for coming along today too,” he says, all seriousness in his stoic face.

A momentary pause stretches between them. Deep inside Rey’s brain however, her mind is a chaotic mess: she desperately weighs out her options for the night: a) invite him upstairs (but then risk looking like she's too forward); b) say goodnight but ask him out for coffee tomorrow; c) just say goodnight with a “Hear from you soon!” in the hopes that he would call her again or option d) – 

“I’m sorry I didn’t get you a gift,” Ben speaks first, halting her speeding train of thoughts. He glances down at her Christmas bag where he must have seen the last gift she had left for him. “I forgot all of my gifts back at the apartment.”

Rey, who was just obsessively weighing out her options, feels a heat blush her cheeks at how nervous she is. She quickly nods upon the reminder of his gift.

“Oh, don’t worry about it.” She buries down her Christmas bag to pull out the carefully wrapped present. The _courteous_ gift, as she had told Finn. “Hope you like this anyway.”

Ben takes the small present from her hand and eyes it thoughtfully. “Thanks.”

Another silence follows and Rey concludes to herself that this was, perhaps, going to be all that there is. She decides to be an adult and call it a night, before her deflated hope could ruin her. With a defeated smile, she starts to unbuckle her belt.

“If you’d like to drop by next time, I could pass mine to yours,” Ben quickly says.

The suggestion is not without an implicit invitation. To see each other again. She clearly catches this, the hopeful glint in her eyes reflecting his own for a moment.

She nods, her lips pursed. “Yeah, I’d like that.”

 _Invite him upstairs_. The poor fella drove hours for her.

“Do you,” she stammers a little, “Do you need to use the restroom or get a drink for awhile?”

He studies her.

“…Just to, you know, before you hit the road again,” she lamely clarifies.

 _No subtexts. Just plain old courtesy_.

Before she could think that he would refuse, he nods and switches the car off.

 

 

 

They walk up to her front door in solemn silence. Rey hides her slightly trembling hands as she turns her back on him to unlock the door. Ben seems to look at his surroundings for the first time in a while. It’s been a while since he had been back. Four months feels like an eternity for the both of them.

“Uh, you know where the bathroom is,” she uselessly says when they step inside, gesturing her arm loosely to the side.

“Right.” Ben seemed to have something else to say, something that was _not_ asking where the bathroom was. He moves his feet over anyway.

When he disappears, Rey takes a huge breath, fanning her face to cool her suddenly warm face. It had started to heat after she invited him upstairs – _out of courtesy_. 

Quickly, she busies herself in the kitchen and pulls out two glasses to pour themselves water. It’s a little hard to do such a simple task without her hands trembling.

Especially since her _ex-boyfriend_ is inside her bathroom.

Was ‘ex’ even the right term now? She muses to herself. Sure, they left each other hanging for four aggravating months _but maybe it was just a temporary time-off?_

The sound of water flushing cuts the silence and Rey quickly sets the glasses on the kitchen counter. The sound of him approaching compels her to touch her hair very quickly out of self-consciousness before dropping it by her side just as he appears.

“Here you go.” She extends his glass to him.

She feels like a fool at the look he gives her. He eyes the innocent glass of water in her hand.

He takes it anyway with a murmured ‘thank you’.

It must have been the meagre sips of wine she had earlier that makes her insides clench at the sight of him drinking water. The way he tilts his head up a bit, exposing his neck and the way his Adam’s apple bob with every gulp.

He finishes the glass and sets it down.

His lips are damp and he makes to wipe it with the back of his hand. She would have noticed the hesitance and unsettled look on his face had she not been so distracted by her overriding desire. Rey is still watching him like _she_ needed her own thirst quenched, not he.

“Rey, I – “

He makes to speak but Rey launches herself at him. Lips firmly pressing onto his impossibly soft ones as before, hands on his face to pull him down to her. She feels his own large hands carefully slide across her back to push her further to him, returning the kiss in clear enthusiasm.

She finally pulls back but keeps her forehead pressed to his. They’re both breathing heavily, digesting what they have just done in the privacy of her home.

“I know we should talk things out properly,” she whispers, “But if it’s not too much to ask: I just really missed you all this time.”

She feels him nod.

“Yeah, me too.”

And he presses his lips to hers again, a hand leaving her back to wrap her nape and set a romantic pace for them. When his tongue slides across her lips for entry, she willingly opens up to him, her arms lifting to wrap around his neck and her hips grinding against his pelvis.

He lets out a sound that breaks the kiss. “Rey,” he murmurs against her neck, “I’m sorry about everything. I want to make it up to you.”

Her fingers thread over the soft hairs at the back of his head. “I’m sorry about everything too,” she echoes genuinely. “We can make up in the bedroom.” And whatever confidence boost she suddenly had, she harnessed it to pull him with her to her bedroom. They diligently take their clothes along the way, and Rey suddenly wished she had seen this coming or else she would not have worn her old bra and cotton boyshorts.

When she looks over at him, he is stripped to his boxers, and _fuck this shit_ she forgot how toned his whole massive body is. Never mind that he was a pale guy, he had the body of a Greek Olympian.

His eyes are dark on her, and with the hungry look she’s unabashedly giving him, his look only darkens as he moves over to her. Rey lifts her face up receptively to him but he ducks to shower reverent kisses along the stretch of her neck and her jawline.

She sighs. She can make do with this, she thinks. Her hands weave through his hair again and welcomes the shower of kisses he gives her.

His large hands smooth down her back and finds it way under her boyshorts to knead her ass. This takes Rey by surprise and she lets out a surprise muffled sound.

He is quick to pull back just by a fraction to look at her in concern. “I’m sorry – “

But she seals his lips with hers to silence him. “ _No,_ no, I like it.” With her approval, he gladly returns his hands underneath to squeeze her as their mouths collide a little more eagerly this time.

Rey somehow manages to push him backward until the back of his knees hit her mattress. When she sits him down, she finally pauses their delirious, passionate making out to properly look at him. He looks at her too, his eyes soft but wide with awe just at the sight of her undressed state.

She wanted to tell him that she was nervous – that she was anxious of any inadequacies that she might have from their 4-month long dry spell. Her thoughts come out as inarticulate.

“It’s been a while, I-I don’t think,” she utters incoherently.

Ben makes to kiss the inside of her wrist to get her thoughts off her anxiety. He seems to say something but she does not hear it when she remembers the numerous playlists she had curated upon the advice of _Women’s Weekly_.

“Hold on,” she says. “Let me just – let me just put on the music. I made a playlist for sex and the magazines said it’d be good to – “ She makes to leave the space between Ben’s legs but Ben takes her waist.

“Ben, what are you – “

“If it’s alright,” he says carefully, eyes trailing up her abdomen to her face. His expression looks a little conflicted in the dark. “I’d like to only hear you tonight.”

Rey sucks in a nervous breath. It definitely took her thoughts off her dumb playlist.

“Okay.” Ben slowly pulls her back closer to him from the edge of the bed. His soft mouth lands hot kisses on her bare abdomen and her eyes roll up deliriously when he makes to pull her boyshorts down a little.

“Okay,” she hums again, fingers brushing through his hair repeatedly now, encouraging him.

He, however, looks up once more at her, seeking any sign of her that wants to opt out. “Is this alright?” he asks, his thumbs twiddling with the hem of _her fucking boyshorts_.

Somehow, in the darkness of her room, with nothing but the outside moon illuminating the space, she sees the tentative fear in his gaze, the heavy eyebags that have worsened since the last time she saw him, and the deprived, tired look that wears his handsome face.

Rey suddenly feels only immense love for this battered boy who lost his way the second time round in his life. 

She bends to hover her lips across his mouth. “Yes,” she whispers in certainty, before chastely kissing his lips. “It’s alright.” Just before she could let him get on, her lips over across his face to plant another chaste kiss on both of his closed eye lids. When she returns to kiss him on the lips once more, his mouth opens up eagerly.

He pulls down her boyshorts as their lips mash together and the first sounds of their moans echo through the silence of her bedroom.

When Rey pulls back to look at his face, her eyes are hazy with love.

“You’re exhausted,” she quietly tells him, tracing his undereye lightly with her thumb. This is what he missed about being with Rey – her ability to see through him, to know what he needed, to know what she could do to nourish him.

He doesn’t say anything as he watches her ruminate quietly over him. She plants another kiss on his forehead and finally kicks off the boyshorts that he had managed to pull halfway down her legs.

He’s too distracted by her hypnotic eyes to look down at her.

“Anything you want,” she whispers, carefully straddling him on the edge of the bed now, “It’s yours, Ben.”

His throat bobs a little at this and Rey makes to caress his neck with her soft lips. Ben hums approvingly at this as he rolls them over and place her on her back. It is now her turn to look up in wonder at him.

He bends down to kiss her properly, revelling in the feel of her hands in his hair, as she sighs contentedly against his lips. A hand runs along her bare thigh, teasing her when the edge of his thumb gets a little too close to her juncture.

She did not need to say anything when he starts to trail kisses down her neck, to the valley between her covered breasts, and down her lean abdomen.

Rey can’t bring herself to look down to where he is now crouched between her legs. She blinks up at the ceiling when he peppers kisses along the inside of her thigh, too near to her mound.

“Ben, are you sure you don’t want me to put on that playlist.”

He only peppers more kiss on her other thigh, a little louder this time.

“Just you, love,” he tells her again, his voice a low and rumbling against her skin.

She’s breathing heavily now, her chest heaving up and down very visibly from where he’s perched. They rarely went down on each other before. So this would be very unfamiliar territories they’re treading.

Ben finally shifts his gaze to her welcoming apex. His breath on it causes her to breathe a little harder and he snakes an arm around her thigh to soothe her.

“It’s alright,” he reassures her quietly.

“Ben, I – “

Rey is silenced into a sigh when his nose first nudges into her. _Oh!_

Ben seems to take his time to cherish the scent of her as he hovers the tip of his nose along her slit, his breath tickling her. He does not wait a second longer to drag his tongue up along her and kiss her there like he was really quenching his thirst for real this time.

Rey is reduced to a series of helpless whimpers under his smart mouth. _Why haven’t they done this more before?_ Her soft sighs has turned into gasps of surprise and longing as Ben now laps at her and tends to her rosy bud passionately.

Her hips have begun to cant against his attentive mouth on its own accord and the hand in his hair fists to push him further against her unabashedly. It does not take long for her to feel that familiar urgent build up. The noise she has been making seems to say it all for her and Ben. If anything, he further laps fervently into her more this time. The slick sound of his mouth laving on her obscenely echoes in her quiet room, accompanied with her increasing squirming.

It comes unexpectedly. But when she does reach her peak, she releases with the loveliest cry he has ever heard in a long time. Ben removes himself momentarily from her to take off his very tight shorts.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Rey breathes heavily, eyes still finding clarity in this delirious haze. It takes her awhile to be able to speak again. “That was really something.”

Ben does not say anything but to get on top of her once more and kiss his way up from her mound this time. Traces of her, that were once on his mouth, now trail across her skin. He kisses her breasts through her bra before deciding to remove it off of her for good. Rey lifts herself for a bit to help him unclasp it wordlessly before flinging it aside to be forgotten. His dark eyes zero in on her bare breasts now.

 _How he fucking missed this_.

When he looks at her face, she is watching him, awe-filled and a silent smile on her face. She must have had her face angled up to him because he answers to her selflessly by bending down to kiss her on the mouth again, the tangerine hint of her taste in his tongue but she does not mind.

His hand eventually find her breast and massages it as she pulls him down with her on the mattress.

 _God, she loves this_. She loves the feeling of his manhood, thick and warm and needy of attention, against her wet thigh. She sighs disapprovingly for a moment when he pulls away from her, however. His other forearm pressed to the side next to her face to keep him atop of her.

“Rey, before we go any further," he struggles to say. "I just wanna make sure that you know that I hadn’t planned on any of this to happen.”

She frowns up at him but nods anyway. “Of course. You already said so.” She moves up to capture his lips once more but he only pulls back a little, not quite done yet.

“ _Ben_.”

“If we’re doing this,” he says, trying to be business-like on her bed, “You _must_ know that I will never let you out of my life like that again.”

This silences Rey. He is dead serious with his words now and she knows he means all of it.

“I’m not going to be that stupid again.”

She nods attentively to his words, appreciating the turn that their night is taking.

“Me too,” she promises him. Then, with a playful tilt of her head, “ _Anything_ _else,_ Ben?”

He looks at her, eyes still serious, until a sheepish look flashes on his face.

“I didn’t forget about updating my mother on our status.”

This does not surprise Rey. Leia did after all tell her how he talked about her endlessly during their separation.

“Ok, is that all?”

She knew that in their 4-month ‘break-up’, there was always the lingering hope that the other would come back to them, to return things to normal. It was only a question of who would take that initiative. She would understand why Ben didn’t tell Leia then.

“But I did genuinely forget about those invites,” he clarifies once more.

“Okay. Now can we get back to where we were.”

“ – And I was hoping that you meant what you said,” he says. “To move in with me.”

“I told you. I mean it,” Rey assures him, lifting herself up on her elbows now. “ _Every_ word. We can even book a flight to Dublin first thing in the morning – “

“ – I’m not moving to Ireland.”

Rey frowns at him then. He sighs and she sees retreating form, haunching on his folded legs with his jutting penis still needy of attention.

“What?”

Ben now wished he hadn’t paused in their voyeuristic excitement.

“I mean,” he says, brushing a hand through his hair, intent to get his words out. “You took me by surprise when you said you’d join me at Ireland.”

“So?” Rey makes to sit up to properly give him the serious attention that his business-like tone demands.

“I _am_ flying to Ireland,” he carefully says. “But I’m not _staying_ there.”

At this, Rey’s face pales. “What – _the fuck?_ ”

She scrambles to cover herself a bit with one of the pillows. “You made me throw myself at you thinking you’re moving away for good?”

“ _No_. I never said I was moving there – “

“You said you were gonna work for Ahch-To Industries!”

“And _I am_ ,” Ben says, eager to regain control over the conversation now before they mess up again. “Luke has had plans to expand his company all this time but I was never available. He only ever wanted me as a business partner. So when he heard that I left the First Order, he reached out and we talked about plans to expand his business here.”

Rey gapes at him, not believing that she did not have the wits to ask for more information on this earlier on.

“I’m flying off in a couple of days to work things out with him," he continues, wary of the way she's responding to him now. "The man’s too old to fly anymore. So when you said you wanted to talk, I thought it’d be better if it wasn’t so soon because of the trip – but _this_ happened so now I’m making it clear to you.”

Rey covers her face with a hand, grimacing in embarrassment. “ _I threw myself at you._ ”

Did she regret it though? Making it known to him that she wanted to fix everything they’ve broken and get together again? To undo what the four months have done to the both of them?

Ben seems unsure of what to do with her disgruntled state. _A fucking cockblock to himself_ , that’s what he is. “I can – I can leave and we can talk about this properly in the morning.”

Rey does not stop him, her face still covered as she recovers from her momentary embarrassment. It is only when he’s in his shorts and looking for their discarded clothes did she look up at him.

“Ben, listen,” she finally speaks up. He hums in acknowledgement at her, perhaps too embarrassed on his part to face her too, as he continues picking up his clothes.

She puts the pillow away from her naked body and pads over to him, encircling his waist like she did earlier that night to still him. He does. But he does not speak a word just yet.

“Please stay,” she pleads quietly, tightening her hold of him and pressing her breasts to his back. She softly kisses his back and feels his hand cover hers gently.

In the silence, his low voice echoes serenely. “If you say so.”

She cannot help but smile a little against his back.

She was not going to let him out of her grasp _ever again_.

“And I’ll move in with you,” she tells him definitively. She places another kiss on his back. “And I’ll still fly with you to Ireland, if that’s alright.”

Ben tries to look over his shoulder at her but only manages a sideway look. “Rey, I don’t want to force you into anything – “

“You’re not forcing me, Ben. I want to.” Her hands now move to push down his shorts to release his suffocating manhood. “I’m in need of a fucking break anyway. I just need to make sure Dameron gives me that leave I’ve long put aside.”

“O-kay _ugh!”_

She takes him in her hand and carefully feels the girth of it, missing the feel of him in a long time. It takes Ben a while to soften at her touch. As she starts to pump him, his breath grows rapid and heavier, and she plants endless kisses on his shoulder blades, revelling in the warmth of his skin against hers.

Her thumb caresses the tip of his head and Ben quickly grabs her hand around him, choking a bit.

“Rey, I’m not gonna last long,” he gasps out quietly. Four months has shortened his stamina incredibly. He takes her hands off of him much to her disappointment and he quickly sees the insecurity flash briefly in her eyes when he turned around.

Attentive to it, he takes her face in both his hand and kisses her reassuringly. “I just want you.”

Somehow, the declaration makes her shy and she nods meekly. She lets him kiss her once more, the kiss quickly turning into a devour as they return to her bed.

“Let me just – “ Rey says between their eager mouths upon hitting her bed. “Let me just get the condom.”

“Oh, okay.”

“You stay put.”

Rey, much to her dislike, removes herself from him once more, leaving him seated naked and waiting on the bed, as she scrambled around her room to find where she had put that box of condoms. She must have removed it from her bedside table over the months, thinking it was a painful reminder of him. How she wished she hadn’t moved it elsewhere.

It takes a few minutes for her to finally find it, not helping a cathartic “Aha!” when she lifts it to the air like it was the key to a long lost treasure.

She pads back over to Ben and he tears it open with his teeth before rolling it over him. Rey notices his trembling hands and smiles. Guess she wasn’t the only anxious one tonight.

“Need a hand with that?”

He does not appreciate the pun, nor the offer.

“Nope. I got it.” And he got it on just when he said it. Ben does not have enough time to look back at her when she jumps onto his lap again. _If she wants to throw herself at this god-man so be it_. Old-fashioned conservativeness is overrated. _He's hers too anyway_.

In their eager kiss, both their hands manage to take a hold of his manhood to line it up at her entrance. Ben breaks away by a fraction from her face to properly look in her eyes.

“I mean what I said about not letting you go ever again, Rey,” he says, a form of permission to enter her in their upright position.

Rey has her hands on his broad shoulders and she nods down at him. “Me too.” And she captures his lips then and there as she sinks into him, allowing him to slowly stretch like it was the first time. They both moan in satisfaction.

Ben's mouth finds her swollen breast and latches on it. A soft gasp escapes her lips when he rolls her pert nipple with his tongue.

Soon enough she starts to roll her hips, bouncing slowly as she presses his face to her breasts. Her other hand grasps on his stronghold of a shoulder as she quickens her pace. He tends to her so lovingly: from letting her set the pace after a four-month drought, to tending to every inch of her body that needed reassurance of the perfection he sees in her.

Rey sighs deliriously as she bounces a little higher, enjoying the length and thickness of him as his hips start to can't upwards to meet hers. It adds much more to the pleasurable friction.

They’ve set a fast pace now in this upright position. But still, it's not enough. With an impatient grunt against her neck, Ben takes her hips and rolls them over like before, caging her within his arms as he re-sets the pace much quicker now in a their new position.

“ _Ben_ ,” she gasps with every thrust he pushes into her. She loves the way he fills her when he pounds into her – how did she ever survive months without this?

Her arms creep over his broad back and tightens her hold over him when she asks for more. And he gives her more like the loving, giving lover that he is. He pistons into her, her gasps becoming louder and taking a rhythmic pattern against the sound of slapping flesh.

He was right. This was the only music she wanted to listen to in their lovemaking.

Ben grunts into her hair as he pounds into her mercilessly now, purging all the negative shit they’ve given each other before and starting anew. Her ankles cross on top of the crack of his ass and squeezes just as she flutters against his girth.

“ _Oh, Ben_ – I’m, _I’m –_ “

If anything, he only pounds harder into her, the words flying out of her mouth instantly, her vision blurring dangerously. With a final squeeze, she lets out a hearty cry and she climaxes. Ben still pounds into her, helping her ride out the waves of her ecstasy as he chases his own release.

And he reaches his own in no time. With a final thrust, he stills within her and releases a loud, throaty groan, before slumping down onto her, two sweaty bodies meshed together in the darkness of Christmas night.

The air quietens down. They take their time to cherish the music of their breathing. Rey’s hand caresses the soft hairs on his nape and she presses a chaste kiss to his sweaty temple, while her other hand softly runs over the broadness of his wet back in much appreciation.

She feels his own lips kiss the side of her neck soon enough. She shifts a little to see his hidden, handsome face and grins at him, memories of their first time flooding her mind in that moment.

“I gotta say,” she begins, not after kissing the tip of his majestic nose. Her hand now appreciatively runs along his strong bicep. “That was better than the first time.”

“It should be.” They laugh a little at this agreement.

Ben kisses her collarbone before rolling over and bringing her atop of him. She rests her head on his broad chest, feeling safe and secure in a long while.

In their tranquil peacefulness, he regards her carefully. “Do you think Christmas could be our new anniversary?”

“We can have two anniversaries.”

He hums quietly, his hand moving up to uncover her face from her hair and tucking it behind her ear. “Is that what you want?”

Rey looks up at him and smiles happily. “Yes, my love.”

The endearment makes him smile genuinely. He gently brings her up to his face-level and kisses her movingly.

“I love you, Rey.”

“I know.”

He nods, his lips now tugging into a soft smirk as he bends over to claim her lips once more. But Rey gently pulls away for a bit before he could do so. Her eyes shift from his lips to his intent eyes.

“I love you too, Ben.”

He understands the significance of her having to vocalise it. No more communication barriers, no more performances, no more grudges. They were going to start anew this Christmas.

He claims her lips and she lets herself melt into him.

 

 

 

The next Christmas, they don’t receive Leia’s annual invite as before. There’s no need for another get-together dinner in the same month when they have already arranged their own to celebrate their new engagement.

 

* * *

 

**Spotify Playlist - _It's The Most Awkward Time of the Year_**

[PLAY HERE](https://open.spotify.com/user/iiw5ma07yvsy26ipwf8p1tav9/playlist/2kQ9Zt6CCe4XK87YVxOUHM?si=5z32VutfTDSUB6nByjXPVw)

**__ **

_‘C-3PO & R2-D2’ by Ralph McQuarrie._

_Used as a Christmas Card from Lucasfilm in 1978._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #nowplaying
> 
> Christmas Time is Here (Vocal) - Vince Guaraldi Trio ***  
> It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year - Andy Williams  
> Christmas All Over Again - Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers  
> Little Saint Nick - The Beach Boys
> 
>  
> 
> *** Softie here, hence the soft music for their lovemaking
> 
> Full Playlist here! https://open.spotify.com/user/iiw5ma07yvsy26ipwf8p1tav9/playlist/2kQ9Zt6CCe4XK87YVxOUHM?si=9cbBv9cxROufZIbPS6h-Gg
> 
> ___
> 
> Once again, thank you all for riding this out with me :) Hope to keep in touch with y'all and if you guys have any recs for me PLEASE ENLIGHTEN ME - I've given and I need to be nourished again.
> 
> Happy holidays all! I truly hope you liked this early Christmas treat <3

**Author's Note:**

> Don't forget to leave your mark!
> 
> Keep in touch with me on Tumblr & Twitter @reylomami or check out my other works which I will be updating over the next few days!
> 
> And 'tis the season of giving I'd be grateful for a cuppa from a lova :)  
> ko-fi.com/thisismysandwich
> 
> I am very much receptive to feedback, grammar-wise, plot-wise, you name it so hit me up if anything bothers you or if you see something that you like and want me to repeat!
> 
> May the force be with you! I hope y'all liked this one :)
> 
> xx


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